It’s all fun and games until Brian returns.

Donald Rumsfeld’s app, Apple results before the results and so, so much more.

Company promptly goes out of business.

The record results were hurt by exchange rate headwinds (hat tip to Six Colors).

Jon brings an article for us to talk about but Lex and I only want to argue about fireplaces.

iAds, Apple Music and death.

Neil Cybart:

Management has spent years planting the seeds for an era in which Apple will no longer be known as just the iPhone company. While that statement may seem comical today considering how dominant of a force the iPhone is in Apple’s business, Apple is no stranger to the process of coming up with new products despite selling much more lucrative and popular devices.

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who think that Apple is working on new things and those who think they’re content to make iPhones for the rest of forever.

On this episode of America’s most American dadcast, we talk about kids and caffeine, poop songs and so much more.

9to5Mac looks at Square’s new contactless doohickey for Apple Pay et al. It occurs to me that there’s a nice window of opportunity for contactless payment in the U.S. while consumers are getting their chip-and-pin cards and vendors don’t have their chip readers and have to ask to see your card for every transaction. Of course, the new machines they get will probably do both, but this added hassle might be putting a bit of a bad taste in the mouth for using a physical card.

Which you should not be putting in your mouth. Why are you even doing that, Andy? Stop. Stop it. Andy, we’re in public.

This week we talk about iPad keyboards, iOS 9.3… and more.

Guy English joins Lex and I to discuss more rumors of Apple ditching the headphone jack and other topics of great importance.