Archive for August 2012

Top 10 suggested Bob Mansfield job titles

Not that it isn’t badass to not have a job title, but it is a little weird that Apple now has Bob Mansfield listed as Senior Vice President of nothing on its executive listing (h/t 9to5Mac). So, because I’m always trying to be helpful, here is my list of suggested titles Apple could use given that it seems Mansfield is working on things that are hush-hush.

Take it away, unordered list!

  • Senior Vice President of [Redacted]
  • Senior Vice President of Kicking Ass and Taking Names and You’re All Out of Names
  • Senior Vice President of None of Your God Damn Business That’s What
  • Senior Vice President of Walking Around Chewing a Toothpick and Tripping Nerds
  • Senior Vice President of Your Mom
  • Senior Vice President of Hardware, If You Know What I Mean (The Hardware Is His Penis)
  • Senior Vice President of Cruising Up and Down De Anza Blvd. In A Cherry Convertible Mustang
  • Senior Vice President of Yeah, That’s Right, You Didn’t See Nothin’, Pencil-Neck, So Keep Walkin’
  • Senior Vice President of Oh, What The Hell, It’s Apple Television Development, OK?

Feel free to add your own in the comments!

Oh, wait…

» Most Americans Confused By Cloud Computing

Citrix survey confirms that Americans is dumb (via Buffoonery):

For example, 51 percent of respondents, including a majority of Millennials, believe stormy weather can interfere with cloud computing.

Uh, duh, people. More clouds means better connectivity. You get more bars on a rainy day. Dur. Everyone knows that.

Phew.

Well, anyway, we had a good run as a country.

» Google, Apple in secret patent talks

Can I get a “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” montage?

Before the fall

The Verge today has a whole slew of announcements from Samsung and Sony about the Windows 8-based…

What to call these things? Toaster-fridges is a pejorative so we shouldn’t use that, but if I may be so bold as to coin a term in keeping with the dumb-ass monickers the technology press likes to use such as “phablets” (it’s a phone… and a tablet!), I suggest these are kablets, seeing as these are tablets with dedicated keyboards.

No?

Good, because that is the dumbest thing I’ve ever written.

Whatever they’re to be called, I’m pretty confused about this whole “category”. What we have here are tablets, tablets with detachable keyboards, tablets with undetachable keyboards that “disappear” and lightweight laptops, all to be made by a myriad of OEMs and Microsoft itself. When they ship this fall, how are consumers supposed to digest all this?

It’s nice to have choices, but it’s not nice to have confusion. This, I’m sure, will sound like Apple apologist bullshit but while Apple’s derided for not providing choice, it’s very clear what they sell. You want a phone, you get an iPhone (3 models in varying capacities). You want a tablet, you get an iPad (two models in varying capacities). Etc.

I’m sure many people will roll their eyes at this and say “I’m pretty sure the market will figure this one out, yacht boy.” But part of what makes Apple successful is that having a limited product line of solid devices makes each of them something of a fait accompli (with a few historical failures). This is the device. Don’t wait another month to see what some other OEM is going to make (or what the same OEM is going to make), get this thing or decide you’re not in this market.

Looking at some of the hardware that will make up the Windows 8 touchscreen device market right now, I don’t even know what I’m looking at.

» Start me up again

The Verge:

Samsung has revealed that it plans to package an S Launcher application on its Windows 8 PCs that will mimic the Windows 7 Start Menu on Microsoft’s new operating system.

It’s hard to make progress when your partners are intent on keeping you mired in the 1990s.

Also, Cult of Mac has a closer look at Samsung’s implementation, which looks almost exactly like the Dock.

So… you’re copying the dock now. Just so we’re clear. Because below that on the list I have “iPod socks” and “Craig Federighi’s hair”. And then that’s it.

» #boycottapple hastag on Google+

You can actually feel yourself getting dumber!

(Via Matthew Panzarino who I now hate for showing me this.)

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In only 3 taps you can remind yourself to:

  • Do laundry when you get home
  • Pick up milk next time you’re at the grocery store
  • Call your wife when you leave work
  • Remember to pick up a cake at 3 pm tomorrow
  • Make a haircut appointment on Tuesday at 10 am
  • Refuel the yacht when you’re at the marina

You can even add a timer to location-based reminders so the alert goes off when you’re ready to get it done — like 15 minutes after you arrive home. That’ll give me time to make a drink first.

I mean you.

OK, me.

Checkmark is available in the App Store for $2.99.

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» Two Apple execs promoted, Mansfield to stay on

Apple press release (via Dan Frakes):

Apple also announced that Bob Mansfield, who announced his retirement in June, will remain at Apple. Mansfield will work on future products, reporting to Tim Cook.

Huh. Interesting. Who knew Apple was going to have “future products”?

» Who pays the $1 billion?

Marco Arment responds to Andy Ihnatko’s dark reaction to the Apple v. Samsung verdict:

Unoriginal manufacturers will need to pay for their unoriginality.

I’m not completely sanguine* about this verdict, I don’t think it’s really a win for Apple customers, but I certainly don’t buy the idea that it’s a complete loss for consumers, either. Also, Jean-Louis Gassée points out that Apple’s already paying Nokia for licensing its patents, and there was no rending of garments over that.

* If you’re wondering, I look it up every time.

» BREAKING

Samsung’s business model.

(Apple awarded over a billion dollars in damages, Samsung loses on most everything.)